<soft thump, tape hiss, faint hum>
[demon 1] <distant sniffle, clears throat>
[demon 1] <Scottish accent, shouting> ABANDON ALL HOPE, ye who reads what lies upon these skins!
[demon 2] <faint> It’s paper.
[demon 1] <distant, normal voice> What?
[demon 2] <faint… again> It’s paper, not parchment.
[demon 1] <still distant, english accent?> Well who gives a hoot? They know that! It’s just part of the script… Honestly, they’re not daft.
[demon 3] <faint, mocking a pirate?> Paper? Bah! There was but no such thing, that which ye be calling “paper” in the darrrk ages, ya fool! Now be silent!
[demon 2] <not so faint> Whatever. I’m off out.
[demon 1] <faint> Quiet! The mic is still on, dammit!
[demon 2] <sticks face into microphone> paaAAYY-PEERRRrrr!
[demon 3] <distant laughing>
[demon 1] <obviously pissed> Aright, enough of that! Go on then, piss off! Get the hell out! Ya bastard. Honestly…
[demon 2] <loudly slams door>
[demon 3] <distant, still laughing> Such a dick!
[demon 1] <faint voice, Scottish accent> You too, be quiet!
[demon 1] <faint> Right then, let’s see… where was I? Oh!
[demon 1] <loud, strong sense of doom> AH-BAN-DONNN AAAALLL HHHOPE! Ye who reeaads what lies upon these skinnnss!
[demon 1] <just above a growling whisper> For here… be demonnnss.
[demon 1] <back to loud doom shout> con-FESS-ionns of such pro-FOUND mmmMMAG-nitude!… DARK-nesss ah-WAITS-
[demon 3] <faint> Wait, what’s with the exaggerated enunciation?
[demon 1] <irritated> Huh?
[demon 3] <still faint> Enunciation.
[demon 1] A eunuch what? An yewn chee…
[demon 3] <faint> You’re exaggerating the articulation of certain syllables.
[demon 1] <not so normal volume> Oh, is that right? Brilliant! Everybody’s a fucking critic today, is that it?
[demon 3] <more faint, slower> I’m just saying…
[demon 1] <LOUDER> Well I don’t need your fucking opinions on how to-
[demon 1] <slams the script down on the table>
[demon 1] <less loud> Right. You know what? Sod it, I’m fucking done.
[demon 3] <faint> What? Why? I’m just-
[demon 1] <chair scraping> Fucking brilliant! You ruined it… YOU did!
[demon 1] <walks out, loudly slams door… again>
[demon 3] <faint, sarcastic…> Well… fuck. Alright then! Bloody hell…
[demon 3] <still faint> Try again later, I guess… Jeez. Cranky, much?
[demon 3] <faint, sarcastic> Must be a Monday…
[demon 3] <faint mocking accent, pouting voice> Or’e skipped ‘is morning tea.
[demon 3] <…exactly 6.31 seconds later> Oh shit!
[demon 3] <shouting> Hey, you left the tape machine rolling!
[demon 3] <normal voice> Stupid git…
[demon 1] <faint, distant shout> I heard that!
[demon 3] <faint stifled giggle>
<loud rattling, sharp click as the ‘STOP’ button is pressed>
<silence>
Right then!
<big toothy grin, clearly embarrased and on the verge of hot rage>
Obviously we cannot rely on those pesky demons to do a quick voice-over of the introduction. You see, the idea was that upon opening this page, a loud and obnoxious demon would shout at you to “abandon all hope” and give you some ominous warnings about what lies ahead. I even gave him a script to read, but clearly they failed to finish the job. That is the actual transcript of the tape they sent me… Just terrific! Bravo, demons! Well done.
<big thumbs up with a truckload of sarcasm>
As such, I shall put the script here and you can just imagine how it would sound. ‘Kay? Good. Just picture an angry Scottish man, probably in his late 60’s, strong sense of doom and gloom, shouting and growling with a hoarse voice and a bit of drama… You know, like that guy from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, when they’re fighting a demonic bunny… yeah, that should do it. Well, off you go!
Abandon all hope
ye who reads
What lies upon these skins
For here be demons.
Confessions
Of such profound magnitude!
Darkness awaits all who dare
Upon these waters set sail.
No more!
Shall upon thy face
Be known the sun.
No more, in thy heart!
Shall be known that
Which is joy!
No mercy upon thy soul
Given shall be.
Alone and cold eternal
Is the DOOM!
Upon which shall befall
The fool
Who goes forth hither after.
Thou hast been warned.
…or some shit like that. Aright, enough of this rubbish! Let’s get on with it then, yeah?
You wanna know how I really feel about something? Well beware! Because I have one hell of a potty mouth when I’m angry, and these pages are chock full of the raw output of my brain being dumped into a text editor with only a quick pass of the spell checker before being published. There is little or no consideration to what the reader might think or how they might feel, even if I’m wrong about something.
This is where the vicious angry rants go to die after being rejected by the cleaner, friendlier and thoughtfully organized regions of this site (which is everywhere except this particular folder).
Seriously, here be foul language and strong opinions by the truckload… Proceed with caution.